// August 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // My Confessions, My Life
UPDATE: Just to let you know, still going strong! I recently found xxxchurch.com and figured I would put a link here for anyone that might need some resources or help. Please share this post and this information with as many people as possible! my life was saved by overcoming this addiction and you could just as easily help save someone’s life just by sharing this!
The Onset…
I remember back to my very early teen years, the first time that I laid eyes on a Pornographic magazine. I came upon it by accident, and being a boy, and liking what boys like- I was absolutely enthralled by the images and stories that filled the pages. Being raised in a very conservative christian family, I knew that even thinking about looking in the magazine was “sin” but beyond that… there was absolutely no way to not be interested in the contents of this magazine! That was the beginning…
The End of Innocence
A month later I was in crisis… I struggled with an uncontrollable urge for porn, I relived the stories from the magazine in my mind and all the while was overwhelmed with guilt for being such a sinner. But the problem still remained… I had to get that magazine! when the opportunity arose I returned to the place where it had been stashed, and with trembling hands, blood pounding in my ears, and a heart awash with guilt and ecstasy I re-opened the magazine to delve deeper into its contents, analyzing every detail and committing stories to memory…
That day I took the magazine.
The Darkness Deepens…
The weeks and months that followed were so chaotic. I struggled with my faith, I struggled with guilt, I struggled with lust, I stashed the magazine only to rush back to it at every opportunity. Soon my addiction was so strong that I would do anything to get the fix. At the same time my guilt was so powerful that I would have moments of zeal and attempt to destroy the magazine! But oh it was so wicked of an addiction… in the midst of tearing the pages out… I would succumb to its grasp. The conflict was so intense and I was so desperate to destroy the cursed magazine that at one point I ripped it to hundreds of pieces and tossed them into the water stirred it around and walked away triumphant! As I walked away… my steps got slower… my heart pounded, my mind screamed at me, It was impossible to register all of the emotions that coursed through my body. Amazingly I found myself running with all my might to return and recover the pieces of the magazine! I groped about in the water triumphantly recovering each soggy piece and inspecting them for even a small part of the “girls” that I had become so familiar with.
The Chains are Forged
The remainder of my teen years I would do anything to get my fix. I was positively obsessed with sexuality, even the most modestly dressed girl was the object of my obsessive imaginations. The images and stories were now fully ingrained in my mind and I only needed someone to use… a new object to imagine them with.
When I decided to get married, I was sure that it was all over! I would reclaim my mind and begin again. I was so wrong… very soon I was back to the old habits… with no accountability and being on my own I quickly delved even deeper. I got involved with internet porn, The depraved thrill of hoping to find something new and more exciting drove me deep into the depths of hardcore porn.
I would continue the struggle against pornography into my late twenties, a divorce, and my second marriage. Sometimes being triumphant for months, but only to experience catastrophic failures that drug me even further into depravity. The strength of my addiction was so powerful that I would pray and groan begging forgiveness, begging for release and freedom… sometimes even while looking at porn. But no matter how hard I prayed I would always stop short… there was just something that stopped me from giving it all up… and it drove me insane! I would be so furious! It wasn’t that I didn’t say “I give it all up” I said that millions of times. I swore thousands of times “I will never do it again” But all of those words… and my heart would keep… just a “token” it was soooo small… not even a memory.. it was the space for a memory. But it was enough… and I knew it… somewhere deep inside.
Realization…Desperation… Fury
Three years ago… I sat in my room, my wife was asleep, I was brazenly trolling through image after image, pushing the guilt back … looking for something new. I had tried everything… Confession, accountability, filters, I was done…the addiction was un-beatable. But that night was different, I was tired, tired of myself being so beat up, tired of the constant guilt, tired of the depravity… I looked back at my wife sleeping peacefully, Why was it so easy to hurt her, to replace her with them!? I really love her, why is she not enough? why am I still here?
I turned off the computer… too frustrated to sleep, I moved towards the kitchen. I leaned against the counter distraught and knowing that the routine was about to start… The guilt started creeping back… “I am so depraved, filthy! If only people knew what I have seen! what I like! they would never speak to me again!” I shook my head… as I started to apologize to God again… I started back towards the bedroom
From deep in my heart a fury leapt out! This was it… It would be the last time! I would no longer live with this!
Burning the Bridge Behind Me….
At the door of my bedroom I cried out to God… I fell on my face in misery! GOD!!! I don’t want this anymore!… This addiction is impossible for me to break! I have tried everything and for some reason I don’t want to give it up!… ITS CRAZY I KNOW!!! but GOD you HAVE to fix this!!! Help me give it up completely!!!! I don’t want to hurt my wife anymore! I want to only see her when I close my eyes!!! Get rid of the memories! every single one! leave no place untouched… God I am tired of not seeking you because of guilt! I want to know you more! I don’t want to hold back because I feel filthy and unworthy! TAKE IT ALL AWAY!!! ALL OF IT!!! ……………
I stayed there for a moment… forehead resting on the tile floor, nothing but the noise of the refrigerator. The tears drying on my face…
The Truth Will Set You Free.
I stood up… for a moment there was a feeling… something different. I turned my head slightly, probing my mind for what it could be…suddenly it was unmistakable… SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT! As the realization dawned on me, I was literally shaking with emotion… The addiction was gone! no memories, no tiny token of lust, I WAS FREE!!!!
A few weeks later I confessed everything to my wife and begged her forgiveness, She was devastated for weeks… But the healing process began… and now SHE knew.
Three years later…
I would like to tell you that I never looked at porn again… but it is thrown in our face every day in one way or another. So yes I have seen porn, on the web, in email, on TV, walking down the street.
But my heart is different, my mind is healed… the addiction is gone….the uncontrollable desire, gone! the memories of images once so vivid… completely gone. And my Faith is stronger! because I have seen the power of the cross! I have experienced first hand the salvation of the sacrifice of JESUS! And amazingly, something started happening in my marriage, something unexpected… For the sake of decency… I could have never imagined the rewards of purity in my marriage without experiencing them. And I have to say… THEY ARE WELL WORTH IT!
Tags:
porn,
pornography addiction,
struggle
Related posts
