Posts Tagged ‘fear’

When You Can’t Go On… Pile Stones

// January 4th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // My Life, My Thoughts

What mean ye by these stones?

What mean ye by these stones?

When I was young I remember my dad reading a passage from Joshua 4:5-7  that stuck firmly in my mind

5And Joshua said unto them, Pass over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of Jordan, and take you up every man of you a stone upon his shoulder, according unto the number of the tribes of the children of Israel: 6That this may be a sign among you, that when your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying,

7Then ye shall answer them, That the waters of Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off: and these stones shall be for a memorial unto the children of Israel for ever.

As I matured I began to see the value in marking important events in my life… It all started when I realized that God was taking an active role in my life… I remember the first time that I decided to set stones as a remembrance… well I didn’t really pile up stones… but they are there… in my heart… The first time was the day I met my wife I realized then and there that God was undeniably acting in my life in a very specific and purposeful way… As my life began to change from that day forward I began gathering stones to mark the points in my life where God showed up and did something… I really had no idea where this was leading though…

Life throws itself at us with all it’s might… we experience great successes and great hardships…  there is love and love lost, life… and death, courage… and fear,  joy… and sadness,  pleasure… and pain.  All of it joins together in the amazing cacophony that we call life.  But then there are times when the balance shifts and there is only hardship… and love lost.. and death… and fear… and sadness… and pain… and we wonder where it all went wrong…  We feel abandoned and without hope… when we cry out the only answer we hear are the echos of our plea’s against the emptiness of our souls.  Those times… are the times that we can look back… and see the piles of stones to mark the deliverance of God.   The stones are the difference between faith and belief… between faith and hope…  “Faith is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for…the evidence of things not seen”  Hope will will wait to see what happens.  Faith starts gathering stones to mark the site of deliverance.

Look back on your life and find where God has been faithful to rescue you… and mark those places… and when the pain is too great to bear… or sorrow threatens to swallow you whole… when you can’t go forward… look back… and see those stones…strengthen your faith that God will deliver you… and start gathering stones again… for his deliverance will be upon you at the perfect time…

Tags: depression, Faith, fear

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Waiver of Parental Rights

// August 31st, 2009 // 6 Comments » // My Confessions, My Life

I am thinking tonight about Abraham, walking up the hill to sacrifice his firstborn son, his only heir. These days God doesn’t just stop by for a visit and start up the conversation “I need you to make a sacrifice for me”, there are no stone altars, or rams caught in the thicket in the nick of time. There are lawyers and loafers, children and adults, men, and women, all in some way seeking their own interests. These days the issues are clouded and principals are less important. Being right, or winning, or out maneuvering your opponent is more important. These days if you do something wrong, just be sure you file the paperwork right and everything will be easy like butter. What you don’t say is more important than what you do say, and how you don’t say it is even more important! It is not doing the right thing but looking like you are doing the right thing while you are cashing out on someone else’s misfortune.

As I looked at the “waiver of parental rights” affidavit that old feeling came over me… the cold clammy fingers of fear and dread gripped over my heart squeezing it until my throat felt like I was swallowing a baseball. “It has come to this…” I breathed. There are really no words to express the feeling of being asked to sign a piece of paper that legally divorces you from your own child. The reality is that there are no words for these types of things at all… How horrible of a parent do you have to be for such a document to be necessary? Where is the rope that you grab to keep you from falling further down the nightmarish rabbit hole, where big is little and up is down? Perspective is all a matter of reality suddenly… the reality is that you have to make a choice… you have to think about “that which you would never willingly conceive of in your mind”… I am a man of reason, so how do you list your priorities and mark them off until you reach a reasonable decision? How… How do you even think about trying to choose?

The phone rings…he says it is what he wants, I will still be his dad… just not on paper.
I look at the paper… everyone says… fight! and win! God is for you! but the many years of seemingly good choices are dulled by a foggy perception…It is like looking back on a mine field where I stepped on every single mine and somehow survived. How can any choice be a good choice once you make the choice to walk through a minefield? I put my hand up to the past and turn away… “no” I cannot go there… others claim to remember it better than I do… and different… so different that I doubt myself… I wonder how my heart can be so sincere and yet so faulty… as faulty as my memory? The phone rings… he has questions… why I made choices… why I didn’t make others… I honestly don’t know… The questions are perfect and concise…. the type that don’t need answers… just delivery.

I sit… I sign. I sign the “waiver of parental rights” I go see a notary and look for the judgement on his face as he notarizes the “waiver of parental rights” I go to the post office and the postal worker drags the “waiver of parental rights” out of my resistant hand with a quizzical look. As the envelope leaves my hand my mind hears the deafening chorus of the abandoned as they scream at me of the fear of the unknown. I smile at the postal worker like a victim with a gun in his back as I swipe my card to pay the postage for the “waiver of parental rights”

The phone rings… people say… “you did the right thing” some of them are the same people that said “fight and win!” I think about all the times I have ignored the council of “Job’s Friends” thinking to have done the right thing, only to be found here apparently winning their approval… I value it little.. I value it less than little. I close my eyes to imagine a simpler time when life was catching toads and building forts.

(This post is a very real and honest post that describes the events surrounding the day that I actually did sign a “waiver of parental rights” for my first born son Collin James Carroll. My Ex-wife continues to actively read this blog and pass along my confessions that are meant for your encouragement as information that causes him to question my character and loyalty to him. My reasons for this post are not for the sake of drama, or sympathy, or counsel. I am simply hoping that through this post that you gain an insight and understanding possibly an empathy for those that are facing similar issues in life.)

Tags: Art, blog, choice, choices, dad, doing the right thing, dread, fear, friends, God, perception, perspective, sacrifice, sin, the past

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Everyone’s Entitled… Or Are They?

// August 8th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // My Thoughts

I have to say that I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read the “Onion” article that stated “Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their Opinion“   But It really got me thinking… I am a pretty opinionated person, so how many of my opinions are actually not mine?  Well truthfully I rarely just pick up an opinion and begin using it for my own… most often the reason for this is that I am a bit egotistical i guess…I like figuring things out on my own. I seek out truth at all costs… the result, I may actually be entitled to my opinions… not that they are great or even very accurate but in most circumstances my opinions are mine and mine alone.  However this is not so true for the average person I rub shoulders with… Call me an egotist if you like, but I rarely meet individuals that actually think for themselves these days… in general they seem to just jump on somebody’s band wagon and hang on for the ride.   Most commonly I find people regurgitating the opinions of  talk radio hosts, activists, TV personalities,  and they often are intensely confrontational and outspoken and feel very strongly about “their” opinions.   Like the staunch conservatives that are protesting the health care reform, they talk about “socialized medicine” and “single payer plans”.  And yet have no problems  avoiding a co-pay  for immunizations by going to a county health clinic to get them for free… something wrong there… right?   So where are you in this?   do you just quote Rush Limbaugh or some other outspoken personality that has whipped you into a furor about a certain subject?   You have to know that politics these days depend on the gullible public to believe in the hype surrounding an ideology and rarely provide accurate facts. This forces people to make decisions based on “feelings” rather than on “facts”  so if everyone “feels good” about a war… then we can be at war for 20 years and no one will complain… but alas if some soldiers die, well then people start feeling bad about things… so they no longer want to be at war.

I am not trying to be insensitive here… I just think that a lot of people need to begin pulling their head out of the sand and realize that the majority of the US population is manipulated spiritually, religiously, psychologically, and physically through fear, and misinformation. It is an old trick that if you want to advance an agenda then you need to get people upset about something else.  Once they are focused on your distraction then they rarely recognize that something else more sinister is going on… It is called “diversion”   So the next time that someone gets you all worked up about something… you need to think about what might actually be going on in the background.

Just take a moment and be honest with yourself… are you really entitled to your opinion?  or are you just borrowing someone else’s

Tags: activists, Art, choices, conservative, decisions, egotist, fear, hype, My Thoughts, Obama, politics, President, reform, Religion, rush limbaugh, sin, single payer, sleepwalking, spirit, talk radio hosts, truth

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Do you think you will escape?

// June 19th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // My God, My Thoughts

The Pharisees were harsh and judgmental of anything that did not fit their ideology of righteousness. Yet Jesus Continually rebuked them and warned them that they would be judged accordingly.  Isn’t is strange that so many Christians still insist on acting more like Pharisees and less like the Jesus that we claim to follow?

Someone very wise once said that  cynicism, skepticism, and criticism are the opposites of  faith, hope and love.

Harsh, Angry, Judgmental behavior is often more of an indicator of fear and lack of truth than anything else…If you are familiar with discerning truth you probably already know,  Truth can stand up to challenging… without anger, without resentment, without fear.

It seems that I do not go very long these days without hearing fresh news of Christians who forget the Jesus that they follow and begin acting like the very brood of vipers that Jesus rebuked.  Some would seem to believe that a position of leadership entitles them to such behavior, I would beg to differ and I beleive that I can safely say that regardless of your status as a leader, if you deal with your own brothers and sisters in Christ harshly, critizising, accusing,  causing them pain, then you are a fool and you do not understand the message of the Gospel at all!

I say this very seriously and with great love in my heart for every person that reads this.

If you deal with others in a harsh, critical, judgmental manner,  do you think that you will escape the judgment of God?   Do not deceive yourself, such things bring shame on the church and the people of God.

My life is filled with people who have been hurt by religion and Christians in particular, and it fully angers me that these hurting people were never the ones that sat in their pews doing nothing, they were once passionate, and christlike, and hungry to serve.  But some egotist made it their business to shut down the work of God.  Again I tell you …. do you expect to escape his wrath?

Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. 1 Corinthians 10:12

PEOPLE!   Give grace!  love each other,  be gentle with each other…  LEADERS!  Be kind, be compassionate, be merciful and nurturing!

If you insist on acting like a brood of vipers get out of the Church business!!! Wall Street needs you!!!DSC_9863_127
photo credit: nsaplayer

Tags: anger, Art, beleive, brother, christian, christians, cynicism, egotist, Faith, faith hope, fear, God, jesus, judgment, Love, pain, pews, pharisees, Religion, resentment, righteousness, shame, sin, skepticism, truth, wrath

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Finding Faith

// April 28th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // My God, My Thoughts

A lot of people talk about faith, we have all been taught that having faith is important. But faith is not so much about believing, trusting, thinking. Faith is not a thing, to hold, or obtain, or understand. Faith is a fiery determination that despite all odds continues to see impossibility as possible. You do not “choose” to have faith, because a choice is based on an evaluation of evidence, Faith is the perfect paradox. Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Faith is the “substance” the “evidence” The simplicity of faith is that it literally brings into existence things that are otherwise impossible.

I envision a pond, several feet deep, you and I walk up to it… and I tell you that there are rocks just below the surface that you can step on, even though you cannot see them. they are special rocks that always know exactly where you step and will support you perfectly and never allow you to slip.

If you trust me… you will step out to find one confirm your footing and take a step.

That is not faith…

Faith is simply taking the step from land to water with every expectation that it is as sure as dry ground.

Faith is taking a flying leap onto the surface and running across the pond to experience the exhilaration of walking on water

So take your step, lose your fear, and trust what you know. There IS something there to hold you up.

Tags: Belief, choice, Faith, fear, rock, running, simplicity

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Genius… finding something, and Foo Fighters?!

// January 24th, 2009 // No Comments » // My Music, My Thoughts

Don’t you love finding something that you had no idea you owned? It’s almost better that getting something you always wanted! There is just something about finding out you already own something you didn’t know you wanted yet!

Well recently I have been jamming to the Foo Fighters album on iTunes, and iTunes has a cool function now called genius that finds songs similar to the one you are listening to. Well, I clicked genius and up comes a song by Jars of Clay called “Work” and I re-discovered it!

It is a great song I was really hit by the lyrics and how they describe a struggle similar to my post Obsession… Gratification… Peace What really grabbed me the most are the following lines from the lyrics..

“I have no fear of drowning, it’s the breathing that’s taking all this work”

“Now all the demons look like prophets and I’m living out
every word they speak, every word they speak”

The great thing about songs is that the lyrics can be interpreted a million different ways… But to me this song seems to be about the struggles of materialism, and how empty it is… How we use things to fill our emptiness, alone-ness, and how we struggle against the constant undertow of materialism…trying to breathe! -“I have no fear of drowning, it’s the breathing that’s taking all this work”

I also see our struggles with the materialistic nature of television and how we are constantly bombarded with the “things we need” and how we just “live out every word they speak” by buying into all the hype… “Now all the demons look like prophets and I’m living out
every word they speak, every word they speak”

Listening to the “Good Monsters” album and There are some pretty good songs there!

so check out the lyrics of “Work”

Just in case, I will leave my things packed so I can run away
I cannot trust these voices

I don’t have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning, it’s the breathing that’s taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, ‘I don’t want to be alone.’
What I mean when I say, ‘I don’t want to be alone.’

Empty spaces, shadows hit by street lights
warning signs and weight of tired conversations

In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I’m living out
every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, ‘I don’t want to be alone, ‘
What I mean when I say, ‘I don’t want to be alone’
What I mean when I say, ‘I don’t want to be alone.’

Do you know what I mean when I say, ‘I don’t want to be alone.’….
I have no fear of drowning. It’s the breathing that’s taking all this work.
Copyright 2006 Jars of clay

Tags: blog, different ways, Family, fear, foo fighters, Fun, gratification, hype, Love, materialism, My Music, obsession, peace, sin, unplugged, warning

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