Posts Tagged ‘choices’

Un-Awesome…

// April 26th, 2010 // No Comments » // My Confessions

There have been a lot of times in my life that I have been overlooked…completely ignored… when it seemed to me I was perfect for the position or opportunity… and every time I have asked myself… am I really just a lot more “un-awesome” than I think I am? or is God preparing me for something else that is much bet…ter? I always go with the latter.. because I am obviously not “un-awesome” :)

Tags: choices, God's will, happiness, the will of god

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Desires, Demands, Expectations.

// September 12th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // My Life

(Very Important!!!  while the ideas in this post are probably very appealing to those that are struggling with similar problems I strongly urge you to consider the consequences of your actions if you choose to  follow my footsteps.  While I do believe that my choices have helped to form the person I am today,  I also can say with full assurance that if it were not for the Grace of God, the person I am today would not be here!   Many of the choices I made during my search for truth were out of desperation and brought me through some very dark times in my life.  So proceed with caution…   and if  you get a wild hair to do something crazy… shoot me an email so we can talk about it

I was at one time a very compliant person… I went to great lengths to please others. It never really bothered me too much I guess except maybe deep inside. The problem was that I really never said the word “NO” to anyone. I thought I was being a good person, after all good people make others happy right? I was actually pretty good at making course corrections to accommodate everybody else’s wants and needs.  This type of thing usually works great in a marriage if one person is dominant and the other is compliant.  The problem is that compliant people usually let things go until they have gone too far, and the course correction back to “not too far” is a pretty rough one.  Well things got pretty rough for me almost immediately after I got married to my first wife, I was suddenly having to make decisions about things I didn’t have the slightest idea about. Suddenly pleasing everyone was not so easy… My new wife was a handful to say the least… family problems cropped up with “he said- she said” arguments, my always sane parents seemed to be suddenly losing their minds! I struggled with the knowledge that my family had always been there for me but my new wife was convinced that their motives were not quite as honorable.  It wasn’t  long before I had a steaming pile of a mess on my hands, drama was rampant, and I was so busy putting out fires I couldn’t think straight.    Well long story short the marriage ended in divorce, and not a nice one.  I as my usual compliant self agreed to all the terms of the divorce, I lost everything, didn’t even have a car!  Talk about back to square one.

After the divorce it took me a while to mentally process the past 5 years of my life… I basically had a crisis of identity.  I had somehow lost “me”  after all of those years of shaking my head at people talking about “trying to find myself” here I was… ironically “trying to find myself”  I remember sitting at a Chile’s restaurant and thinking “I have no idea what I think about anything anymore”  I bought my first alcoholic drink that night.

Not long after my epiphany that I was clueless,  I realized I needed to make some decisions about my life to be able to move forward. I began to realize that many of the decisions I made were made out of fear that I would let someone down.  Because of that fear I had a real problem with saying “no” to anyone. After a good deal of analysis I began to realize that most of my problems had begun because I never really said “no” to people.  I realized I had become a shell of a person with no real substance. I also realized that realistically if I had hit the bottom… or was even close… then all of my fears had already been realized…  This gave me a great deal of freedom in my mind… there was nothing left to lose… so I might as well live without fear anymore.

All of this came together about one year after my divorce when I finally pulled things together and decided to take action.  I made a few rules that I absolutely had to live by until I had gotten things back together.

Rule #1 Just  say “NO”

yep … and I did… and it ticked quite a few people off… I literally took joy in doing it…  and before long I scaled back to a reasonable amount of “NOs” and suddenly saying “NO”  was no big deal!  that made life a whole lot better for me.

Rule #2  Do one thing each day that I am afraid to do.

This literally got out of hand… but the results were great! It didn’t take long and I no longer lived in fear of anything.  Because if I was afraid of doing it… I did it!    I have to admit that I did alot of things I am not proud of during that time… but that brings me to my next rule.

Rule #3 Whatever it takes be honest with yourself and with others.

Remember I had no idea what I thought about anything so I literally tossed all of my preconceptions about morality and decency aside. Not for the sheer sake of being immoral, but because I could not trust myself to be honest about what I believed.  You can think I am crazy but I constantly had conversations with the “Moral Me” and the “Don’t give a Sh#%” Me and more often than not I found the “Moral Me” didn’t have much to stand on.  I pushed further and further to find truth that I could depend on.

Rule #4  Become One Person!

I had a problem… being a compliant person required me to have multiple personalities… one for each person I was trying to please.  I remember watching the movie “Fight Club” and realizing that I wasn’t far from that type of insanity!   I became absolutely committed to becoming a single person… the same at home, at work, with friends, or anywhere.   No more multiple personalities!

Because of all of those rules alot of things got alot worse… but slowly things got better…  and my life became much more sane…  But I was no longer the same person that I once was…   I honestly had the desire to do the right thing, I no longer catered to the demands of others, My primary goal was not to meet unrealistic expectations.

These days… a little older… and a little wiser  I am still a pretty obstinate guy… a bit confrontational, opinionated,  and a little like my dad…when he said “If you have a problem with me… well that’s YOUR problem… not mine”

Hopefully that explains some things about this site… why I write, how I think… why I challenge you… why I talk about my faults openly…

jasonthebaldguy

Tags: choice, choices, personality

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Waiver of Parental Rights

// August 31st, 2009 // 6 Comments » // My Confessions, My Life

I am thinking tonight about Abraham, walking up the hill to sacrifice his firstborn son, his only heir. These days God doesn’t just stop by for a visit and start up the conversation “I need you to make a sacrifice for me”, there are no stone altars, or rams caught in the thicket in the nick of time. There are lawyers and loafers, children and adults, men, and women, all in some way seeking their own interests. These days the issues are clouded and principals are less important. Being right, or winning, or out maneuvering your opponent is more important. These days if you do something wrong, just be sure you file the paperwork right and everything will be easy like butter. What you don’t say is more important than what you do say, and how you don’t say it is even more important! It is not doing the right thing but looking like you are doing the right thing while you are cashing out on someone else’s misfortune.

As I looked at the “waiver of parental rights” affidavit that old feeling came over me… the cold clammy fingers of fear and dread gripped over my heart squeezing it until my throat felt like I was swallowing a baseball. “It has come to this…” I breathed. There are really no words to express the feeling of being asked to sign a piece of paper that legally divorces you from your own child. The reality is that there are no words for these types of things at all… How horrible of a parent do you have to be for such a document to be necessary? Where is the rope that you grab to keep you from falling further down the nightmarish rabbit hole, where big is little and up is down? Perspective is all a matter of reality suddenly… the reality is that you have to make a choice… you have to think about “that which you would never willingly conceive of in your mind”… I am a man of reason, so how do you list your priorities and mark them off until you reach a reasonable decision? How… How do you even think about trying to choose?

The phone rings…he says it is what he wants, I will still be his dad… just not on paper.
I look at the paper… everyone says… fight! and win! God is for you! but the many years of seemingly good choices are dulled by a foggy perception…It is like looking back on a mine field where I stepped on every single mine and somehow survived. How can any choice be a good choice once you make the choice to walk through a minefield? I put my hand up to the past and turn away… “no” I cannot go there… others claim to remember it better than I do… and different… so different that I doubt myself… I wonder how my heart can be so sincere and yet so faulty… as faulty as my memory? The phone rings… he has questions… why I made choices… why I didn’t make others… I honestly don’t know… The questions are perfect and concise…. the type that don’t need answers… just delivery.

I sit… I sign. I sign the “waiver of parental rights” I go see a notary and look for the judgement on his face as he notarizes the “waiver of parental rights” I go to the post office and the postal worker drags the “waiver of parental rights” out of my resistant hand with a quizzical look. As the envelope leaves my hand my mind hears the deafening chorus of the abandoned as they scream at me of the fear of the unknown. I smile at the postal worker like a victim with a gun in his back as I swipe my card to pay the postage for the “waiver of parental rights”

The phone rings… people say… “you did the right thing” some of them are the same people that said “fight and win!” I think about all the times I have ignored the council of “Job’s Friends” thinking to have done the right thing, only to be found here apparently winning their approval… I value it little.. I value it less than little. I close my eyes to imagine a simpler time when life was catching toads and building forts.

(This post is a very real and honest post that describes the events surrounding the day that I actually did sign a “waiver of parental rights” for my first born son Collin James Carroll. My Ex-wife continues to actively read this blog and pass along my confessions that are meant for your encouragement as information that causes him to question my character and loyalty to him. My reasons for this post are not for the sake of drama, or sympathy, or counsel. I am simply hoping that through this post that you gain an insight and understanding possibly an empathy for those that are facing similar issues in life.)

Tags: Art, blog, choice, choices, dad, doing the right thing, dread, fear, friends, God, perception, perspective, sacrifice, sin, the past

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Everyone’s Entitled… Or Are They?

// August 8th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // My Thoughts

I have to say that I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read the “Onion” article that stated “Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their Opinion“   But It really got me thinking… I am a pretty opinionated person, so how many of my opinions are actually not mine?  Well truthfully I rarely just pick up an opinion and begin using it for my own… most often the reason for this is that I am a bit egotistical i guess…I like figuring things out on my own. I seek out truth at all costs… the result, I may actually be entitled to my opinions… not that they are great or even very accurate but in most circumstances my opinions are mine and mine alone.  However this is not so true for the average person I rub shoulders with… Call me an egotist if you like, but I rarely meet individuals that actually think for themselves these days… in general they seem to just jump on somebody’s band wagon and hang on for the ride.   Most commonly I find people regurgitating the opinions of  talk radio hosts, activists, TV personalities,  and they often are intensely confrontational and outspoken and feel very strongly about “their” opinions.   Like the staunch conservatives that are protesting the health care reform, they talk about “socialized medicine” and “single payer plans”.  And yet have no problems  avoiding a co-pay  for immunizations by going to a county health clinic to get them for free… something wrong there… right?   So where are you in this?   do you just quote Rush Limbaugh or some other outspoken personality that has whipped you into a furor about a certain subject?   You have to know that politics these days depend on the gullible public to believe in the hype surrounding an ideology and rarely provide accurate facts. This forces people to make decisions based on “feelings” rather than on “facts”  so if everyone “feels good” about a war… then we can be at war for 20 years and no one will complain… but alas if some soldiers die, well then people start feeling bad about things… so they no longer want to be at war.

I am not trying to be insensitive here… I just think that a lot of people need to begin pulling their head out of the sand and realize that the majority of the US population is manipulated spiritually, religiously, psychologically, and physically through fear, and misinformation. It is an old trick that if you want to advance an agenda then you need to get people upset about something else.  Once they are focused on your distraction then they rarely recognize that something else more sinister is going on… It is called “diversion”   So the next time that someone gets you all worked up about something… you need to think about what might actually be going on in the background.

Just take a moment and be honest with yourself… are you really entitled to your opinion?  or are you just borrowing someone else’s

Tags: activists, Art, choices, conservative, decisions, egotist, fear, hype, My Thoughts, Obama, politics, President, reform, Religion, rush limbaugh, sin, single payer, sleepwalking, spirit, talk radio hosts, truth

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Good People Go to Hell!? (Part 2) Bad People Get to Go to Heaven?

// June 18th, 2009 // No Comments » // My God, My Thoughts

photo credit: PaleontourStranded

I don’t know how to say this more plainly, If you accept the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross… you get to go to heaven!    The thief on the cross accepted that Jesus was the Christ, and asked Jesus to remember him, and Jesus agreed.. and said ‘before the sun has set you will be with me in paradise’. Luke 23:42-43  With this one solitary act Jesus provides on one hand a nice sound smack in the face for all the “legalistic Pharisaical goody goodies” from that day to this one; and on the other hand a glimmer of hope for those of us who are, for lack of better definition, not quite capable of actually being decent enough humans to muster up an honest dose of self-righeousness.  Yep… it seems the playing field is actually in our favor, and I have to say I am pleased as punch about it!

I am what most people would call a “good” man, but most people don’t really know me!  while I generally am an amiable and friendly guy, and I generally do not go around trying to start trouble, and while I don’t generally act nasty, or cuss, or kill little animals for pleasure, I still can’t honestly look you in the eye and say… “Yes I am a good person”  The main reason is that I am truly NOT a good person… I just barely skate by at being decent most times!  If you catch me on the right day I am a real lowlife… I actually started thinking back about some of the really horrible things I have done and thought and I can guarantee you that there is no reasonable shred of a possibility that I can “earn my  way “  out of this hole!  My only hope is depending on the sacrifice of Jesus.

When it comes down to it there is not one single person that has a right to claim being “Good”. We are all pretty much rotten,  Some of us have fooled ourselves into thinking that we have earned the right to enter heaven.  The rest of us must choose to serve God out of grateful service and love for the heavy price that was payed to redeem us.  Ultimately while our lives will be soiled and spotted with misdeeds and poor choices and even blatant wrong doing, our hearts desire otherwise,  and thankfully, because we chose to set aside our pride and accept the gift of Jesus’ sacrifice, Bad People Get to Go to Heaven!

Tags: Art, choice, choices, God, goody, greed, heaven, hell, jesus, jesus christ, Love, Mac, pleasure, punch, sacrifice, shred, sin, solitary act, sun, thief on the cross

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Fate vs. Destiny

// June 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // My Thoughts

Predestination…  a very simple word… however this word is a minefield when you bring it up in christian circles… I think the real problem these days is that people would really like to understand predestination but when all the cards are on the table… somehow they feel robbed or something..

so lets work out a simple logical path..

Step 1)   I decide to go for a ride

  • I have no idea where I am going

Step 2) I get in my car and start driving south… and at some point I decide that I am going to Louisiana to visit family.

  • there is an infinite amount of choices of roads that I can take to begin the journey
  • many of the choices are completely ridiculous
  • there are a few most logical choices to make
  • at any intersection I can make another choice to take another road.
  • some of the choices that I make may make the trip longer… or faster, more enjoyable or completely excruciating.
  • the closer that I get to Louisiana the same infinite number of choices exist however many of them do not make sense to me as long as my destination is still Louisiana…

step 3) I arrive in Louisiana

  • thus my choice to go for a drive resulted in me ending up in Louisiana

so to summarize… my choice to go for a drive resulted in possibly thousands of small choices… what roads to take.. how fast to drive, when to stop, whether to be nice or ugly to other drivers… however the only real choice that gave me the result of a destination to arrive at  ultimately was the choice to go to Louisiana.   if we were to make all of the other smaller choices all over again a thousand different ways and times.. ultimately all of them would eventually still get me to my destination of Louisiana. because I chose Louisiana as my destination.

In the same way we choose our destiny… and while we may refuse to beleive it every choice that we will ever make has already been made. God sees all of our choices instantly… and ultimately only one choice counts… do we accept Jesus as our sacrifice? or do we reject him?

so when we look at

Romans 8:28-30 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according go his purpose. 29) For whom he foreknew, he also predestined to become conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the first-born among many brethren; 30) and whom he predestined, these he also called; and whom he called, these he also justified; and whom he justified, these he also glorified.

what we see is that God foreknew or saw our ultimate choice and he predestined us… (set our destination to be conformed in the image of Christ)  sure he knows all of our other choices but ultimately the choice to accept Jesus Christ is the one that every other choice is colored by.

To me this is an incredibly elegant design that allows for both our free will and yet shows the ultimate sovereignity of God. It also explains a lot about Grace and why it is such an integral part of God’s plan.

I love the way the Oracle explains choice to NEO in the movie the matrix.

Oracle: Candy?
Neo: Do you already know if I’m going to take it?
Oracle: Wouldn’t be much of an oracle if I didn’t.
Neo: But if you already know, how could I make a choice?
Oracle: Because you didn’t come here to make the choice. You already made it. You’re here to try to understand why you made it

Fate is what a person resigns themselves to because they believe that they have no choice.

Destiny is when a person chooses to make choices.

I hope this made you think a little about predestination…

Tags: Art, beleive, choice, choices, christian, christian circles, destiny, different ways, Family, God, jesus, jesus christ, louisiana, Love, sacrifice, step 1, step 3

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