I’m Not The “Bad Guy”

I spent most of my life being the “Good Christian Guy” that church taught me to be… but a problem was festering deep down inside.  I “loved my enemies” and “did well to those that treated me badly” and did years of “servant leadership” under ministers and leaders that abused and exploited my skills, all while raking in on the benefits. I submitted to elders, and discipline, and rebukes from infantile minds that could not even fathom the level of patience I had in their absolute ignorance and pride… all while asking God what was wrong with me… but things started coming to a head when I realized my heart was not filled with good things…

I didn’t love my enemies, hell, to be honest, I probably didn’t really even love most of my “friends” I just tolerated them because I had to… because I was trapped in relationships that required that I behaved and didn’t offend anyone. 

And every time that I did something nice to an asshole I secretly hoped the would get hit by a car… or something… and it’s a pretty shitty feeling to realize your only hope for climbing the ladder of ministry was for another leader to burn out, die, or get caught in some kind of unspeakable act…. or… just suck up enough to get the golden ticket of “Anointing” by a bunch of guys that were less qualified to pick a grocery store clerk than a ministry position.  It was incredibly revealing to witness the “eenie meeny miney moe” process to decide the next “anointed one” to sacrifice their personal life on the altar of church service… and after quite a few years… I was bitter, jaded, and real angry… angry for all the times that I was the first one called but the last one picked for the roles that I aspired to… the ones that I felt would really allow me to benefit others…

I Didn’t Start Out Feeling This Way

I’ts not like you wake up one day and decide that you really feel like an asshole inside…

It takes carefully planned and systematic crushing of your soul to create an environment in which you constantly do the right thing and hate yourself at the same time.

its about how I was taught to hate myself… by Christianity… Christianity is all about “self-denial” and “less of me and more of him”  As if God somehow set out to make a bunch of copies of himself and just added too much salt or something… So then I was left with the task of just erase everything about myself that makes me…ME and just leave a little “god copy” and my life would somehow magically become hunky-dory and I would go to heaven.

 Well, there was a little bit of a problem with that logic for me… I mean if God just wanted a bunch of little mini-mes walking around why was he so worried about being the “HEAD God” and if he was so powerful why did he screw it up in the first place and then ask me to clean up his mess?   To teach me a lesson?  what lesson? how to not screw up on cloning?  Really man… I was straight up stewed about this.. because the more I looked at it it didn’t make any sense at all… I did everything I was taught in church with a pure heart and ended up hating people and hating myself even more…

I am not some idiot so I knew how I felt about things and things were not getting any better in my head … they were getting worse… MUCH WORSE… in fact the more I tried to suppress my personality and submit to the insane level of restrictions on my personal thoughts… the more insane, crazy, and angry I felt!  And thats how it all began…

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