Guys… whether we like it or not we are ultimately responsible for the spiritual and physical well-being of our families… and whether we take that responsibility seriously or not the consequences of our leadership or lack of leadership will fall on us and our families.

The things we say in anger,  the things we do in anger… do we ever really realize the far reaching impact of  our actions? Anger is a raging fire that blindly ignores all the warning signs that lead to regrettable consequences… for ourselves and for others.  Anger is a powerful weapon… it deflects almost any advances regardless of intentions. In my struggle with anger… often my anger builds slowly over long periods of time… I would like to believe I am long-suffering and patient and forgiving.. but I often have to wonder…am I really… because once my anger is kindled it becomes something that strikes fear into my own heart… I have only become that angry a few times….(I can literally count them on one hand)  but believe me it is enough to know that anger is something that I must absolutely be sure to keep under control.  The bible says “be angry and sin not”  I think the idea is that we all get angry and deal with it in different ways… but the actions we take when we are angry if we are not careful we are almost certainly sure to regret.

Often when I am angry I lash out at others at the slightest provocation. I also quickly deflect blame and place it onto others undeservedly…  I skillfully redirect my shortcomings onto others painting them to be the ones at fault.  I think nothing of sinking the dagger to the hilt emotionally leaving my victim to suffer with false guilt and accusations that I should bear.

Being a father I really struggle with the fact that my children seem to deal with anger much differently than I do… sometimes they are literally self-destructive and throw themselves down pitching a fit… my struggle is more about “how do I teach them to deal with anger from a healthy perspective” or “how do I teach them self-control and sacrificial love in spite of their anger”  the only thing I know is that they learn the best by example… unfortunately… or fortunately possibly… if only I can learn how be the example that they need.

There are no excuses for anger… we can blame whoever we want to for causing it, but our actions are 100% our responsibility.

Being the head of my household I have to take responsibility for the anger in my family… how do I do that? well it is not so clear… but I strongly believe that if I continue to seek for peace and love for each of the members of my family… and for myself… and take responsibility for my actions and continue to learn to control my anger then God will be faithful to form us into a more peaceful and less angry family.

As I looked at the “waiver of parental rights” affidavit that old feeling came over me… the cold clammy fingers of fear and dread gripped over my heart squeezing it until my throat felt like I was swallowing a baseball. “It has come to this…” I breathed. There are really no words to express the feeling of being asked to sign a piece of paper that legally divorces you from your own child. The reality is that there are no words for these types of things at all… How horrible of a parent do you have to be for such a document to be necessary? Where is the rope that you grab to keep you from falling further down the nightmarish rabbit hole, where big is little and up is down? Perspective is all a matter of reality suddenly… the reality is that you have to make a choice… you have to think about “that which you would never willingly conceive of in your mind”… I am a man of reason, so how do you list your priorities and mark them off until you reach a reasonable decision? How… How do you even think about trying to choose?

The phone rings…he says it is what he wants, I will still be his dad… just not on paper.
I look at the paper… everyone says… fight! and win! God is for you! but the many years of seemingly good choices are dulled by a foggy perception…It is like looking back on a mine field where I stepped on every single mine and somehow survived. How can any choice be a good choice once you make the choice to walk through a minefield? I put my hand up to the past and turn away… “no” I cannot go there… others claim to remember it better than I do… and different… so different that I doubt myself… I wonder how my heart can be so sincere and yet so faulty… as faulty as my memory? The phone rings… he has questions… why I made choices… why I didn’t make others… I honestly don’t know… The questions are perfect and concise…. the type that don’t need answers… just delivery.

I sit… I sign. I sign the “waiver of parental rights” I go see a notary and look for the judgement on his face as he notarizes the “waiver of parental rights” I go to the post office and the postal worker drags the “waiver of parental rights” out of my resistant hand with a quizzical look. As the envelope leaves my hand my mind hears the deafening chorus of the abandoned as they scream at me of the fear of the unknown. I smile at the postal worker like a victim with a gun in his back as I swipe my card to pay the postage for the “waiver of parental rights”

The phone rings… people say… “you did the right thing” some of them are the same people that said “fight and win!” I think about all the times I have ignored the council of “Job’s Friends” thinking to have done the right thing, only to be found here apparently winning their approval… I value it little.. I value it less than little. I close my eyes to imagine a simpler time when life was catching toads and building forts.

(This post is a very real and honest post that describes the events surrounding the day that I actually did sign a “waiver of parental rights” for my first born son Collin James Carroll. My Ex-wife continues to actively read this blog and pass along my confessions that are meant for your encouragement as information that causes him to question my character and loyalty to him. My reasons for this post are not for the sake of drama, or sympathy, or counsel. I am simply hoping that through this post that you gain an insight and understanding possibly an empathy for those that are facing similar issues in life.)

Pro Synthesizers are a beautifull thing

cannot tell you how many times I have sworn not to sell or trade another single piece of gear but along comes something and the gear is gone and other gear takes its place eventually. The sad thing is that you always miss your old gear because you realize how great it was when you had it. But you sold it and it always costs more to buy it again than you sold it for. Over the last few years I accumulated quite a bit of music gear, and I really loved it. I had a bad year… the church that I was helping plant was failing despite our every effort, my autistic son Aidan started getting into my stuff and breaking it… or coming really close to breaking it badly. So I moved all of my gear to the basement thinking I could set up a studio there… I was really happy and spent a lot of time setting everything up just right. Once everything was in place I flipped the switch and started making sweet… loud music in my basement! 5 minutes later there is a knock at the door, the next door neighbor had called the landlord and complained (I live in a duplex) so I was pretty miffed to say the least.. it was the middle of the day on Saturday! There is not much better time to be loud right? Well apparently my neighbor works at night so day time is off limits. I was a little unhappy to say the least… So I tried again later at night when she should be working… again the manager is called… apparently two people live there and one is always sleeping so there is no conceivable time ever that I could play music and really jam it out…

(Now maybe you understand and maybe you don’t but to a musician there is a universe of difference in hearing the music (headphones) and feeling the music (Loud Amplifiers!!!) A musician lives or dies based on how they hear what they are playing. If you can hear and feel what you are playing then there is a synergy of passion and sound and it actually stimulates creativity and your music becomes something very alive and wonderful)

Apparently and unfortunately, my neighbor is intent on denying me even the hope that I can really Jam Out EVER! So I sat in my basement looking at all of my gear… thinking about how often the keyboards had quarters put in them by Aidan, and thinking about all the times someone has told me to turn my music down… even as an adult in my own house! and I got really mad… and really frustrated and really tired of trying to do the thing I love doing and having someone else put limits on me for their personal happiness! what about my personal happiness! So about 6 months ago I sold everything…

At this moment I am regretting that decision as I sit here completely strapped for cash and unable to buy any gear… I know it sounds completely materialistic.. but this is the real me… once you have played on a really good instrument anything else seems just not any fun at all. so grabbing a $100 dollar keyboard is not going to cut it… I have my eye on a used Yamaha Motif XS6 but my “eye” is about the only thing that will get close to it… as tossing $1800 dollars at music gear is at the top of my “things to not do if you want to remain married or alive” list.

Was I insane? YES! I sold perfectly good music equipment because I was frustrated… and as the pendulum swings back and my former insanity is realized… the money is gone… and I sit here just wanting to play a synthesizer like a beastly madman… I am Insanely trying to figure out how many times i need to go to the plasma bank to get that Motif .

Funny thing… one day I can be so focused on spiritual things… the next day I can’t beat my way out of a paper bag… Insanity… The Pendulum Swings…

The Onset…

I remember back to my very early teen years, the first time that I laid eyes on a Pornographic magazine. I came upon it by accident, and being a boy, and liking what boys like- I was absolutely enthralled by the images and stories that filled the pages. Being raised in a very conservative christian family, I knew that even thinking about looking in the magazine was “sin” but beyond that… there was absolutely no way to not be interested in the contents of this magazine! That was the beginning…

The End of Innocence

A month later I was in crisis… I struggled with an uncontrollable urge for porn, I relived the stories from the magazine in my mind and all the while was overwhelmed with guilt for being such a sinner. But the problem still remained… I had to get that magazine! when the opportunity arose I returned to the place where it had been stashed, and with trembling hands, blood pounding in my ears, and a heart awash with guilt and ecstasy I re-opened the magazine to delve deeper into its contents, analyzing every detail and committing stories to memory…

That day I took the magazine.
The Darkness Deepens…

The weeks and months that followed were so chaotic. I struggled with my faith, I struggled with guilt, I struggled with lust, I stashed the magazine only to rush back to it at every opportunity. Soon my addiction was so strong that I would do anything to get the fix. At the same time my guilt was so powerful that I would have moments of zeal and attempt to destroy the magazine! But oh it was so wicked of an addiction… in the midst of tearing the pages out… I would succumb to its grasp. The conflict was so intense and I was so desperate to destroy the cursed magazine that at one point I ripped it to hundreds of pieces and tossed them into the water stirred it around and walked away triumphant! As I walked away… my steps got slower… my heart pounded, my mind screamed at me, It was impossible to register all of the emotions that coursed through my body. Amazingly I found myself running with all my might to return and recover the pieces of the magazine! I groped about in the water triumphantly recovering each soggy piece and inspecting them for even a small part of the “girls” that I had become so familiar with.

The Chains are Forged

The remainder of my teen years I would do anything to get my fix. I was positively obsessed with sexuality, even the most modestly dressed girl was the object of my obsessive imaginations. The images and stories were now fully ingrained in my mind and I only needed someone to use… a new object to imagine them with.

When I decided to get married, I was sure that it was all over! I would reclaim my mind and begin again. I was so wrong… very soon I was back to the old habits… with no accountability and being on my own I quickly delved even deeper. I got involved with internet porn, The depraved thrill of hoping to find something new and more exciting drove me deep into the depths of hardcore porn.

I would continue the struggle against pornography into my late twenties, a divorce, and my second marriage. Sometimes being triumphant for months, but only to experience catastrophic failures that drug me even further into depravity. The strength of my addiction was so powerful that I would pray and groan begging forgiveness, begging for release and freedom… sometimes even while looking at porn. But no matter how hard I prayed I would always stop short… there was just something that stopped me from giving it all up… and it drove me insane! I would be so furious! It wasn’t that I didn’t say “I give it all up” I said that millions of times. I swore thousands of times “I will never do it again” But all of those words… and my heart would keep… just a “token” it was soooo small… not even a memory.. it was the space for a memory. But it was enough… and I knew it… somewhere deep inside.

Realization…Desperation… Fury

Three years ago… I sat in my room, my wife was asleep, I was brazenly trolling through image after image, pushing the guilt back … looking for something new. I had tried everything… Confession, accountability, filters, I was done…the addiction was un-beatable. But that night was different, I was tired, tired of myself being so beat up, tired of the constant guilt, tired of the depravity… I looked back at my wife sleeping peacefully, Why was it so easy to hurt her, to replace her with them!? I really love her, why is she not enough? why am I still here?

I turned off the computer… too frustrated to sleep, I moved towards the kitchen. I leaned against the counter distraught and knowing that the routine was about to start… The guilt started creeping back… “I am so depraved, filthy! If only people knew what I have seen! what I like! they would never speak to me again!” I shook my head… as I started to apologize to God again… I started back towards the bedroom

From deep in my heart a fury leapt out! This was it… It would be the last time! I would no longer live with this!

Burning the Bridge Behind Me….

At the door of my bedroom I cried out to God… I fell on my face in misery! GOD!!! I don’t want this anymore!… This addiction is impossible for me to break! I have tried everything and for some reason I don’t want to give it up!… ITS CRAZY I KNOW!!! but GOD you HAVE to fix this!!! Help me give it up completely!!!! I don’t want to hurt my wife anymore! I want to only see her when I close my eyes!!! Get rid of the memories! every single one! leave no place untouched… God I am tired of not seeking you because of guilt! I want to know you more! I don’t want to hold back because I feel filthy and unworthy! TAKE IT ALL AWAY!!! ALL OF IT!!! ……………

I stayed there for a moment… forehead resting on the tile floor, nothing but the noise of the refrigerator. The tears drying on my face…

The Truth Will Set You Free.

I stood up… for a moment there was a feeling… something different. I turned my head slightly, probing my mind for what it could be…suddenly it was unmistakable… SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT! As the realization dawned on me, I was literally shaking with emotion… The addiction was gone! no memories, no tiny token of lust, I WAS FREE!!!!

A few weeks later I confessed everything to my wife and begged her forgiveness, She was devastated for weeks… But the healing process began… and now SHE knew.

Three years later…

I would like to tell you that I never looked at porn again… but it is thrown in our face every day in one way or another. So yes I have seen porn, on the web, in email, on TV, walking down the street.

But my heart is different, my mind is healed… the addiction is gone….the uncontrollable desire, gone! the memories of images once so vivid… completely gone. And my Faith is stronger! because I have seen the power of the cross! I have experienced first hand the salvation of the sacrifice of JESUS! And amazingly, something started happening in my marriage, something unexpected… For the sake of decency… I could have never imagined the rewards of purity in my marriage without experiencing them. And I have to say… THEY ARE WELL WORTH IT!

The older I get the more value I place on family and relationships, and the less I value all the stuff that gets in the way of family- and relationships.   So today I am homesick,  wishing I could hop in the car and drive across town and hang out with my dad on the front porch and really spend some time… because love is not calling once a year to say happy Fathers Day,  It is so…. so much more.

Happy Fathers Day Dad…

Your Bald Sappy Son!

Choice

I recently had to make a very tough choice, one that I would never wish on anyone.  The thing about choices are they are pretty much one way…it is rare to be able to go back and “un-choose” a choice. Most of us just have to live with our choices.  Another thing about choices is that sometimes there is not a good choice sometimes the choice you have to make is just a matter of which set of consequences you want to live with. In those really dark times, when the choices you have made try to come back to haunt you, just remember.  You may have to live with the choices you make… but you don’t  have to let your choices live with you.  Make your choices and move on… sure we all make bad choices…some of us make horrible choices… even stupid choices…But God has been in the business of fixing bad choices for an eternity. If your choices are living with you then you are probably still beating yourself up about it, wondering if you made the right choice, thinking what you would have done if you knew what you know now.  It is important to have the faith that God can work with your choices.   So relax,  make your choices, live with the choices  you make, but don’t let them live with you!

The Girl of My Dreams

The night I met her… well let’s just say… it was unexpected. And honestly, so has almost every day since then… most people would probably imagine some type of romantic chance meeting… well it is in a way… but nothing like you think… so … here goes..

I was a loser… yep…no question about it… divorced, and all messed up I had decided to jump off in the deep end…my goal was to keep a good buzz, surround myself with women, avoid as many bills as possible, bum as much as possible, and generally avoid responsibility. It all started after the divorce… actually a whole year after the divorce!

That first year I determined… I would get back on my feet and start all over again. I was almost done with Technical School and had a great part time job as an Intern. My Ex had confiscated our only car and so my parents sprung for a little Geo Metro, it was a “get you by” car. My money was exhausted and so I was paying them $100 a month for it.

One of the awesome things that my ex decided to do when she divorced me was to immediately empty my bank account, Including the money from my Pell Grant for school. So I was immediately in a financial bind in several areas. Child support was set not long after but everything was going OK except for finances being stretched so thin. Then I got the paperwork, somebody thought it was a great idea to increase my child support based on the salary that I was “able” to make as a construction worker, before I started school, rather than what I actually made as a student, and intern. That amount was significantly more than I could afford. especially being in school! and to make matters worse… my little Geo Metro just decided to bite the dust.

That’s when it fell apart.. my year of purity, of doing what was right, my year of going back and fixing my flaws… my goals of graduating from technical school with honors, of getting an awesome job with an IT firm and becoming successful in spite of my divorce. It all fell apart… in the course of a few weeks I lost my job, and quit school, because I had no transportation. With the threat of child support enforcement taking action against me for missing a few payments I was desperate for a job. I asked my grandfather to get me a bike and I pedaled to my first interview at a local roadhouse.

All my life I had spent trying to make all the right choices…made a few wrong turns and somehow I ended up completely screwed. Mad? heck yea I was mad… I was mad at GOD… I was mad at him for taking out the maximum penalty for everything I did… I was mad because he wouldn’t cut me one bit of slack.

I remember the day I decided… If you gotta pay… you might as well play… so I made sure that every wrong choice I never made…was made up for…

Three years later… I was definitely a different person,I drank at every occasion, I had a gambling addiction, I was a bum, I actually had to eat at a homeless shelter a few times. I had no direction except to the next bar, I had no desire… except for the next woman that caught my eye. I had somehow collected a posse of friends that would keep me going, just to see what I would do next. They had no problem paying my way as long as I kept them entertained… and I obliged them gladly taking their dares, and fueling my ego.

One particular night… I ended up alone.. all my roommates were gone, I was depressed and remembering a simpler time… when I trusted GOD… GOD… I was still so mad at him! I started thinking about what I wanted.. ” I just wanted to have a family… was that so much to ask!?” ” I just wanted someone to love me like I loved her… I wanted her to feel lucky to be with me… and for me to feel lucky to be with her.. ” suddenly I started writing “her” down… I thought of her hair… of her long legs… of her sweet smile.. her shape and how she flirted with me.. I imagined every single inch of her body…and every part of her personality… as I dreamed about “her” My yellow legal pad was full… so I stopped and stared at it… that’s what I wanted.. right there… an impossibility.. a person so full of contradictions that it didn’t even make sense. How could someone like that even notice a person like me? I flung my legal pad into the corner and yelled at GOD.. “I refuse to do anything! much less darken the door of a church if you don’t even care enough to give me someone like that! I stormed out of the house and headed for the nearest nightclub…convinced GOD was done with me.

It could have been three weeks, or three months… that’s not really the point.. is it? what matters is that I found myself again without friends… my latest girlfriend had left me hanging to go out with her friends and I was bound and determined to have some fun anyways… I cleaned up and headed out to a local dance club intent on doing some damage and hopefully finding someone to keep me occupied for a while.

I wandered around a bit checking out the scenery and finally caught up with a bartender buddy of mine and brokered a deal for the night… free drinks all night if I set him up with a friend of mine. I grabbed a bar stool and started in on my first drink… a few friends passed by completely wasted already and we joked and talked a little… as they walked away… I noticed the friend I was supposed to introduce to the bartender, I started to make the introductions but someone else caught my eye… an amazingly tall and stunning brunette was walking straight toward me! for a moment she seemed somehow illuminated in the dark smoky nightclub. It was impossible not to notice her! filled with liquid courage I quickly swooped in and took a chance… offering her a drink… at the same time… trying to process what was going on.. for some reason all of my smooth lines were gone… and I was out of my element… she was calm and friendly, flirtatious even a bit aggressive. But I was completely smitten…as the night went on and we got to know each other we got pretty wasted… Suddenly I experienced a moment of clarity that has yet to be repeated… I looked at her and a sudden amazement struck me… this was the girl that I wrote down on my legal pad! I thought… “NO WAY!!.. that is impossible!!” I told God I would not darken the door of a church… . . . ” OH MAN! I looked at her again… and it was true… every fiber of my being was convinced that this was that girl… from my legal pad! every detail every single thing that I liked was there! It was impossible!!! but some how it was true!

Suddenly I was babbling to her that all I ever wanted was to have a family and serve God and all kinds of stuff that you don’t say to a hot chick in a bar! unless you are trying to chase them off! I was a hopeless case… it was Friday night at a nightclub, I had the girl of my dreams in front of me….and the words came out of my mouth… “I just need to get back in church…”

Yep it had hit me… this was her… God was putting her right in front of me… and I was not taking any chances… a voice in my head said “this is the one you don’t screw up… cause it won’t come back around again.”

She looked at me so simply … like she waiting for the words to come out of my mouth… and she said “So why don’t we go to church Sunday together..”

What followed that night has been an amazing adventure, I called my mom the next day and firmly declared that I found the girl that I was going to marry. We were married 6 months later and amazingly today 7 fantastic and wonderful years later…I am more convinced than ever that my amazing, complex, exciting, flirtatious, beautiful wife… is That Girl… the one I dreamed up and wrote down on a legal pad.

Jason Carroll

Jason the bald guy
jasonthebaldguy.com

I would venture to guess that someone somewhere possibly reading this blog might just come to the conclusion that I am a strong christian man, that I am sure of myself, that I blog these things so that others could learn to be like me.

For the record… I am an Idiot.

I regularly and consistently make choices that I regret, and often do not learn from my mistakes until many times later.

I am impulsive and passionate and gritty- I laugh at things I shouldn’t , I say things that i regret later. I look at things that trap me, I listen to things that embitter me, I do things that shame me.

I often find freedom from a seemingly baseless conviction only to find bondage in its absence.

All of these things plague me daily… and yet my love for my God is unchanging… and my love for others is growing.

The idiot lives… but he is learning… slowly..

Jason the bald guy
jasonthebaldguy.com