Archive for My Confessions

Un-Awesome…

// April 26th, 2010 // No Comments » // My Confessions

There have been a lot of times in my life that I have been overlooked…completely ignored… when it seemed to me I was perfect for the position or opportunity… and every time I have asked myself… am I really just a lot more “un-awesome” than I think I am? or is God preparing me for something else that is much bet…ter? I always go with the latter.. because I am obviously not “un-awesome” :)

Tags: choices, God's will, happiness, the will of god

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Filing Status – “Head of Household” Angry…

// April 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // My Confessions, My Life

I often struggle with being the spiritual leader of my family,  being the head of the household is not always something that I fulfill so well.  Recently when a friend of mine was dealing with relationship issues he mentioned that he was tired of being “the bad guy”  I thought about that a bit… It often seems that men do seem to take a lot of hits when it comes down to why things are not going well in the relationship department… being “the bad guy” is pretty much what we signed up for though… when you take on the role of being the head of your household you can expect that when everything goes south that everyone will be looking at you asking… “what the heck were you thinking”  often quickly followed by “oh you weren’t thinking!… AGAIN!!”

Guys… whether we like it or not we are ultimately responsible for the spiritual and physical well-being of our families… and whether we take that responsibility seriously or not the consequences of our leadership or lack of leadership will fall on us and our families.

The things we say in anger,  the things we do in anger… do we ever really realize the far reaching impact of  our actions? Anger is a raging fire that blindly ignores all the warning signs that lead to regrettable consequences… for ourselves and for others.  Anger is a powerful weapon… it deflects almost any advances regardless of intentions. In my struggle with anger… often my anger builds slowly over long periods of time… I would like to believe I am long-suffering and patient and forgiving.. but I often have to wonder…am I really… because once my anger is kindled it becomes something that strikes fear into my own heart… I have only become that angry a few times….(I can literally count them on one hand)  but believe me it is enough to know that anger is something that I must absolutely be sure to keep under control.  The bible says “be angry and sin not”  I think the idea is that we all get angry and deal with it in different ways… but the actions we take when we are angry if we are not careful we are almost certainly sure to regret.

Often when I am angry I lash out at others at the slightest provocation. I also quickly deflect blame and place it onto others undeservedly…  I skillfully redirect my shortcomings onto others painting them to be the ones at fault.  I think nothing of sinking the dagger to the hilt emotionally leaving my victim to suffer with false guilt and accusations that I should bear.

Being a father I really struggle with the fact that my children seem to deal with anger much differently than I do… sometimes they are literally self-destructive and throw themselves down pitching a fit… my struggle is more about “how do I teach them to deal with anger from a healthy perspective” or “how do I teach them self-control and sacrificial love in spite of their anger”  the only thing I know is that they learn the best by example… unfortunately… or fortunately possibly… if only I can learn how be the example that they need.

There are no excuses for anger… we can blame whoever we want to for causing it, but our actions are 100% our responsibility.

Being the head of my household I have to take responsibility for the anger in my family… how do I do that? well it is not so clear… but I strongly believe that if I continue to seek for peace and love for each of the members of my family… and for myself… and take responsibility for my actions and continue to learn to control my anger then God will be faithful to form us into a more peaceful and less angry family.

Tags: anger, Family, father, head of household, husband

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Waiver of Parental Rights

// August 31st, 2009 // 6 Comments » // My Confessions, My Life

I am thinking tonight about Abraham, walking up the hill to sacrifice his firstborn son, his only heir. These days God doesn’t just stop by for a visit and start up the conversation “I need you to make a sacrifice for me”, there are no stone altars, or rams caught in the thicket in the nick of time. There are lawyers and loafers, children and adults, men, and women, all in some way seeking their own interests. These days the issues are clouded and principals are less important. Being right, or winning, or out maneuvering your opponent is more important. These days if you do something wrong, just be sure you file the paperwork right and everything will be easy like butter. What you don’t say is more important than what you do say, and how you don’t say it is even more important! It is not doing the right thing but looking like you are doing the right thing while you are cashing out on someone else’s misfortune.

As I looked at the “waiver of parental rights” affidavit that old feeling came over me… the cold clammy fingers of fear and dread gripped over my heart squeezing it until my throat felt like I was swallowing a baseball. “It has come to this…” I breathed. There are really no words to express the feeling of being asked to sign a piece of paper that legally divorces you from your own child. The reality is that there are no words for these types of things at all… How horrible of a parent do you have to be for such a document to be necessary? Where is the rope that you grab to keep you from falling further down the nightmarish rabbit hole, where big is little and up is down? Perspective is all a matter of reality suddenly… the reality is that you have to make a choice… you have to think about “that which you would never willingly conceive of in your mind”… I am a man of reason, so how do you list your priorities and mark them off until you reach a reasonable decision? How… How do you even think about trying to choose?

The phone rings…he says it is what he wants, I will still be his dad… just not on paper.
I look at the paper… everyone says… fight! and win! God is for you! but the many years of seemingly good choices are dulled by a foggy perception…It is like looking back on a mine field where I stepped on every single mine and somehow survived. How can any choice be a good choice once you make the choice to walk through a minefield? I put my hand up to the past and turn away… “no” I cannot go there… others claim to remember it better than I do… and different… so different that I doubt myself… I wonder how my heart can be so sincere and yet so faulty… as faulty as my memory? The phone rings… he has questions… why I made choices… why I didn’t make others… I honestly don’t know… The questions are perfect and concise…. the type that don’t need answers… just delivery.

I sit… I sign. I sign the “waiver of parental rights” I go see a notary and look for the judgement on his face as he notarizes the “waiver of parental rights” I go to the post office and the postal worker drags the “waiver of parental rights” out of my resistant hand with a quizzical look. As the envelope leaves my hand my mind hears the deafening chorus of the abandoned as they scream at me of the fear of the unknown. I smile at the postal worker like a victim with a gun in his back as I swipe my card to pay the postage for the “waiver of parental rights”

The phone rings… people say… “you did the right thing” some of them are the same people that said “fight and win!” I think about all the times I have ignored the council of “Job’s Friends” thinking to have done the right thing, only to be found here apparently winning their approval… I value it little.. I value it less than little. I close my eyes to imagine a simpler time when life was catching toads and building forts.

(This post is a very real and honest post that describes the events surrounding the day that I actually did sign a “waiver of parental rights” for my first born son Collin James Carroll. My Ex-wife continues to actively read this blog and pass along my confessions that are meant for your encouragement as information that causes him to question my character and loyalty to him. My reasons for this post are not for the sake of drama, or sympathy, or counsel. I am simply hoping that through this post that you gain an insight and understanding possibly an empathy for those that are facing similar issues in life.)

Tags: Art, blog, choice, choices, dad, doing the right thing, dread, fear, friends, God, perception, perspective, sacrifice, sin, the past

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Insanity… The Pendulum Swings

// August 6th, 2009 // No Comments » // My Confessions, My Life, My Music

There seems to be an unspoken rule somewhere that if you are a musician then you will buy and sell more gear than you could use in several lifetimes. I

Pro Synthesizers are a beautifull thing

Pro Synthesizers are a beautifull thing

cannot tell you how many times I have sworn not to sell or trade another single piece of gear but along comes something and the gear is gone and other gear takes its place eventually. The sad thing is that you always miss your old gear because you realize how great it was when you had it. But you sold it and it always costs more to buy it again than you sold it for. Over the last few years I accumulated quite a bit of music gear, and I really loved it. I had a bad year… the church that I was helping plant was failing despite our every effort, my autistic son Aidan started getting into my stuff and breaking it… or coming really close to breaking it badly. So I moved all of my gear to the basement thinking I could set up a studio there… I was really happy and spent a lot of time setting everything up just right. Once everything was in place I flipped the switch and started making sweet… loud music in my basement! 5 minutes later there is a knock at the door, the next door neighbor had called the landlord and complained (I live in a duplex) so I was pretty miffed to say the least.. it was the middle of the day on Saturday! There is not much better time to be loud right? Well apparently my neighbor works at night so day time is off limits. I was a little unhappy to say the least… So I tried again later at night when she should be working… again the manager is called… apparently two people live there and one is always sleeping so there is no conceivable time ever that I could play music and really jam it out…

(Now maybe you understand and maybe you don’t but to a musician there is a universe of difference in hearing the music (headphones) and feeling the music (Loud Amplifiers!!!) A musician lives or dies based on how they hear what they are playing. If you can hear and feel what you are playing then there is a synergy of passion and sound and it actually stimulates creativity and your music becomes something very alive and wonderful)

Apparently and unfortunately, my neighbor is intent on denying me even the hope that I can really Jam Out EVER! So I sat in my basement looking at all of my gear… thinking about how often the keyboards had quarters put in them by Aidan, and thinking about all the times someone has told me to turn my music down… even as an adult in my own house! and I got really mad… and really frustrated and really tired of trying to do the thing I love doing and having someone else put limits on me for their personal happiness! what about my personal happiness! So about 6 months ago I sold everything…

At this moment I am regretting that decision as I sit here completely strapped for cash and unable to buy any gear… I know it sounds completely materialistic.. but this is the real me… once you have played on a really good instrument anything else seems just not any fun at all. so grabbing a $100 dollar keyboard is not going to cut it… I have my eye on a used Yamaha Motif XS6 but my “eye” is about the only thing that will get close to it… as tossing $1800 dollars at music gear is at the top of my “things to not do if you want to remain married or alive” list.

Was I insane? YES! I sold perfectly good music equipment because I was frustrated… and as the pendulum swings back and my former insanity is realized… the money is gone… and I sit here just wanting to play a synthesizer like a beastly madman… I am Insanely trying to figure out how many times i need to go to the plasma bank to get that Motif .

Funny thing… one day I can be so focused on spiritual things… the next day I can’t beat my way out of a paper bag… Insanity… The Pendulum Swings…

Tags: Art, Fun, Love, music, musician, My Music, sin, spirit

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Addiction to Pornography

// August 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // My Confessions, My Life

UPDATE: Just to let you know, still going strong! I recently found xxxchurch.com and figured I would put a link here for anyone that might need some resources or help. Please share this post and this information with as many people as possible! my life was saved by overcoming this addiction and you could just as easily help save someone’s life just by sharing this!

The Onset…

I remember back to my very early teen years, the first time that I laid eyes on a Pornographic magazine. I came upon it by accident, and being a boy, and liking what boys like- I was absolutely enthralled by the images and stories that filled the pages. Being raised in a very conservative christian family, I knew that even thinking about looking in the magazine was “sin” but beyond that… there was absolutely no way to not be interested in the contents of this magazine! That was the beginning…


The End of Innocence

A month later I was in crisis… I struggled with an uncontrollable urge for porn, I relived the stories from the magazine in my mind and all the while was overwhelmed with guilt for being such a sinner. But the problem still remained… I had to get that magazine! when the opportunity arose I returned to the place where it had been stashed, and with trembling hands, blood pounding in my ears, and a heart awash with guilt and ecstasy I re-opened the magazine to delve deeper into its contents, analyzing every detail and committing stories to memory…

That day I took the magazine.
The Darkness Deepens…

The weeks and months that followed were so chaotic. I struggled with my faith, I struggled with guilt, I struggled with lust, I stashed the magazine only to rush back to it at every opportunity. Soon my addiction was so strong that I would do anything to get the fix. At the same time my guilt was so powerful that I would have moments of zeal and attempt to destroy the magazine! But oh it was so wicked of an addiction… in the midst of tearing the pages out… I would succumb to its grasp. The conflict was so intense and I was so desperate to destroy the cursed magazine that at one point I ripped it to hundreds of pieces and tossed them into the water stirred it around and walked away triumphant! As I walked away… my steps got slower… my heart pounded, my mind screamed at me, It was impossible to register all of the emotions that coursed through my body. Amazingly I found myself running with all my might to return and recover the pieces of the magazine! I groped about in the water triumphantly recovering each soggy piece and inspecting them for even a small part of the “girls” that I had become so familiar with.

The Chains are Forged

The remainder of my teen years I would do anything to get my fix. I was positively obsessed with sexuality, even the most modestly dressed girl was the object of my obsessive imaginations. The images and stories were now fully ingrained in my mind and I only needed someone to use… a new object to imagine them with.

When I decided to get married, I was sure that it was all over! I would reclaim my mind and begin again. I was so wrong… very soon I was back to the old habits… with no accountability and being on my own I quickly delved even deeper. I got involved with internet porn, The depraved thrill of hoping to find something new and more exciting drove me deep into the depths of hardcore porn.

I would continue the struggle against pornography into my late twenties, a divorce, and my second marriage. Sometimes being triumphant for months, but only to experience catastrophic failures that drug me even further into depravity. The strength of my addiction was so powerful that I would pray and groan begging forgiveness, begging for release and freedom… sometimes even while looking at porn. But no matter how hard I prayed I would always stop short… there was just something that stopped me from giving it all up… and it drove me insane! I would be so furious! It wasn’t that I didn’t say “I give it all up” I said that millions of times. I swore thousands of times “I will never do it again” But all of those words… and my heart would keep… just a “token” it was soooo small… not even a memory.. it was the space for a memory. But it was enough… and I knew it… somewhere deep inside.

Realization…Desperation… Fury

Three years ago… I sat in my room, my wife was asleep, I was brazenly trolling through image after image, pushing the guilt back … looking for something new. I had tried everything… Confession, accountability, filters, I was done…the addiction was un-beatable. But that night was different, I was tired, tired of myself being so beat up, tired of the constant guilt, tired of the depravity… I looked back at my wife sleeping peacefully, Why was it so easy to hurt her, to replace her with them!? I really love her, why is she not enough? why am I still here?

I turned off the computer… too frustrated to sleep, I moved towards the kitchen. I leaned against the counter distraught and knowing that the routine was about to start… The guilt started creeping back… “I am so depraved, filthy! If only people knew what I have seen! what I like! they would never speak to me again!” I shook my head… as I started to apologize to God again… I started back towards the bedroom

From deep in my heart a fury leapt out! This was it… It would be the last time! I would no longer live with this!

Burning the Bridge Behind Me….

At the door of my bedroom I cried out to God… I fell on my face in misery! GOD!!! I don’t want this anymore!… This addiction is impossible for me to break! I have tried everything and for some reason I don’t want to give it up!… ITS CRAZY I KNOW!!! but GOD you HAVE to fix this!!! Help me give it up completely!!!! I don’t want to hurt my wife anymore! I want to only see her when I close my eyes!!! Get rid of the memories! every single one! leave no place untouched… God I am tired of not seeking you because of guilt! I want to know you more! I don’t want to hold back because I feel filthy and unworthy! TAKE IT ALL AWAY!!! ALL OF IT!!! ……………

I stayed there for a moment… forehead resting on the tile floor, nothing but the noise of the refrigerator. The tears drying on my face…

The Truth Will Set You Free.

I stood up… for a moment there was a feeling… something different. I turned my head slightly, probing my mind for what it could be…suddenly it was unmistakable… SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT! As the realization dawned on me, I was literally shaking with emotion… The addiction was gone! no memories, no tiny token of lust, I WAS FREE!!!!

A few weeks later I confessed everything to my wife and begged her forgiveness, She was devastated for weeks… But the healing process began… and now SHE knew.

Three years later…

I would like to tell you that I never looked at porn again… but it is thrown in our face every day in one way or another. So yes I have seen porn, on the web, in email, on TV, walking down the street.

But my heart is different, my mind is healed… the addiction is gone….the uncontrollable desire, gone! the memories of images once so vivid… completely gone. And my Faith is stronger! because I have seen the power of the cross! I have experienced first hand the salvation of the sacrifice of JESUS! And amazingly, something started happening in my marriage, something unexpected… For the sake of decency… I could have never imagined the rewards of purity in my marriage without experiencing them. And I have to say… THEY ARE WELL WORTH IT!

Tags: porn, pornography addiction, struggle

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Homesick

// June 21st, 2009 // 3 Comments » // My Confessions, My Life, My Thoughts

Today was Fathers day, and all the days leading up to Fathers day my thoughts have wandered to thinking about my Dad, It has been over 2 years since I have seen him. I think about how my brother and I – his two oldest sons-  have moved away to start a life of our own. We are busy with our families, our careers, our lives… I see pictures of my new brother-in-laws and my youngest brother where my pictures used to be… helping, building, being sons. being good sons!  while I love my brother-in-laws as much as any brother, a part of me feels like I should be there helping, being a son, watching my parents grow older, surrounded by neices and nephews…  But I am over 14 hours away.

The older I get the more value I place on family and relationships, and the less I value all the stuff that gets in the way of family- and relationships.   So today I am homesick,  wishing I could hop in the car and drive across town and hang out with my dad on the front porch and really spend some time… because love is not calling once a year to say happy Fathers Day,  It is so…. so much more.

Happy Fathers Day Dad…

Your Bald Sappy Son!

Tags: Art, brother, dad, Family, Love, My Thoughts, neices and nephews, relationships, sin, Thoughts

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