Diary of a Dead Beat Dad – Insanity
Son,
She called tonight… angry and mentioned that you and her have been reading these entries… Good! well at least you are getting to read them! They are my love letters to you… It is hard to know how people are supposed to act in these situations…and I often get angry, it is tiresome when someone constantly pokes at deep unhealed wounds.
she called quite calmly and mentioned that she was angry and asked what all the “Drama” was about in my posts… honestly I think that is pretty insensitive.. but whatever! but she prodded and wanted to know why I would write such a thing…(apparently I am completely wrong, and she is doing everything in her power to make things work) of course I was outraged that she has absolutely no thought that she could be wrong about anything, and at the first opportunity that I raised my voice even a little she was sarcastically asking my why I was shouting over the phone… always baiting… It was pretty common for her to do that when we were together. It was always more about baiting me into a corner and springing the trap. well I don’t have time for the game… Turn and turn again… I don’t even bother to imagine her motives. One thing is for sure… she doesn’t want anything to work out between you and I. The sick thing is she always says the opposite…and in such a convincing manner. Needless to say I hung up on her fairly quickly, I do have the new phone number now though!
Son I know some pretty crappy dads, that dredge the bottom of the barrel and in most cases for some reason their Ex refuses to paint them in a bad light to her kids… instead she constantly goes out on a limb for them… even when he refuses to do anything to take responsibility. Trust me regardless what she tells you your mom has always done the bare minimum required by the court documents. I can’t count the number of times that she has plainly told me… “check the court papers… I don’t have to do anything it’s your responsibility.” or ” I don’t have to tell him anything… he can figure this out on his own.” is that the reason that for a weekend that we could have such meaningful moments and days afterwards you act as if they never happened? I know better my son… The truth is that it is hard to see the good when somone is constantly pointing out otherwise… even when they don’t exactly “say” anything… It’s all psychology.
Finally, my motivation for writing this is you son… I write this because I love you… and I have absoloutely no idea how to make this work and still give you a little sanity. Sure I could force you to come visit, and talk to me on the phone. I struggle with that alot. I sat with Aidan last week in school for “Doughnuts with Dad“ and saw a little boy who’s father wasn’t there… his heart was broken… and mine was too… cause to me that little boy was you, Collin. I took in every single choking sob and lived it… I made myself live every day of every year that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. This is not some public drama that I write for entertainment, but the diary of a father to his son…in hopes that in reading… you will someday understand that things are not always what they seem.